My favorite internet music critic is Ruff Criminal. The majority of his content is comprised of videos in which he reviews an album in ten seconds, marketed as the “World’s Fastest Review” of that album. Despite the gimmick, he’s gotten me to actually listen to more records than long essays from popular music publications ever have. I think there’s something about quickly articulating the vibe of a project in this way that makes you want to check it out for yourself - the short reviews don’t spoil anything, and you find yourself wanting to empathize with the viewpoints behind them, especially if they’re kinda funny. With that in mind, I wanted mirror this concept in text, and limit myself to describing some albums I like in one sentence. I also invited all the AW writers to come up with one-sentence reviews of their own. Hopefully you come away from this intrigued and inspired to listen to some new music!

- Nathan

Nathan’s Reviews

Sufjan Stevens - Illinois

Sounds like a 75-minute-long Tiny Desk concert with like 20 different musicians crammed behind the desk the entire time.

Aphex Twin - Drukqs

This is the type of music that Neo from The Matrix would make if Morpheus jacked him into a DAW instead of a kung fu simulation.

Floating Points, Pharoah Sanders, and the London Symphony Orchestra - Promises

This is the most profoundly emotional instrumental piece of music that I’ve ever listened to.

Clarence Clarity - No NOW

The output of a malfunctioning AI that was trained on all of the best pop music from throughout time and then asked to make an album.

D’Angelo - Voodoo

A tribute to the essence of groove, so overwhelmingly flawless that it feels like staring into the sun.

D’Angelo - Black Messiah

If Voodoo is like staring into the sun, this is like watching an eclipse through dirty sunglasses.

Oneohtrix Point Never - R Plus Seven

A vivid and inscrutable electronic dream in which you are trapped inside a screensaver from the late 90s.

Kendrick Lamar - good kid, m.A.A.d city

The most cinematic album that I’ve ever heard.

Gesaffelstein - Aleph

Cyberpunk 2013.

Clear Soul Forces - ForcesWithYou

If the playful spirit of A Tribe Called Quest and the rhythmic intuition of Slum Village had a beautiful Gen Z bastard child.

Injury Reserve - By The Time I Get to Phoenix

Jittery, shuddering, rhythmically confused, post-traumatic post-rock/post-rap.

John Coltrane - A Love Supreme

This is THE jazz album.

Maisie’s Reviews

The Regrettes - Further Joy

Some over-caffeinated person got carried away with production.

HAIM - Women in Music Pt. III

If summer in Los Angeles were an album, it would be this.

Bleachers - Take the Sadness Out of Saturday Night

This album is just Jack Antonoff trying really hard to be Bruce Springsteen.

Beatrix’s Reviews

Yuji Ohno - Cosmos

This is space jazz, and once you listen you will know exactly what that means.

Damaged Bug - Cold Hot Plumbs

Listening to this album feels like shrinking down to the size of an ant and exploring a forest of mushrooms - like if Honey, I Shrunk the Kids were a little more edgy and synth-y.

Palm - Nicks and Grazes

This sounds like someone found incredible inspiration from a bunch of preschool kids playing with toy instruments.

The Dismemberment Plan - Emergency & I

You know 90s grunge-y rock… just imagine something a little more grating and confusing to listen to!

SPIRIT OF THE BEEHIVE - Hypnic Jerks

I think these guys just found a bunch of weird home video tapes in an attic and then went wild recording with out-of-tune guitars, but I also think it’s kind of genius.

Lemon Jelly - lemonjelly.ky

These songs are perfect for playing in the background so you can mostly tune them out before periodically remembering what good music taste you have.

Lily’s Reviews

Lil B - Everything Based

The most based album ever, that also sounds like it was made by a martian.

Wiley - Treddin’ on Thin Ice

This feels like being outside after leaving a party at 2am, you’re underdressed, it’s super cold, and you still feel good mostly.

Cannibal Ox - The Cold Vein

Okay this album is less cold but this isn’t after a party this is literally just walking around any Northeast city in autumn so it’s less fun and more gritty.

JPEGMAFIA - Black Ben Carson

This album does not, I repeat, does NOT make me want to commit any crime - in fact it’s very wholesome and fun and you should show it to your little sibling(s) :)

Jay-Z - The Blueprint

This is the rap version of Andrew Carnegie’s autobiography.

Techno Animal - Brotherhood of the Bomb

Noisy hip hop album that makes me brain shut up.

Three 6 Mafia - Mystic Stylez

This is an amazing soundtrack to a nonexistent low-budget horror movie that I’m too much of a baby to watch.

Daniel Johnston - Hi, How Are You

this is like most car seat headrest albums but minus the intense sexuality so it’s less relatable and just very depressing.

Hi-C - High the Lonestarr Mixtape

This is definitely a rap album with songs on it, I suppose this classifies as music but like what the fuck did I just listen to?

Cassandra’s Reviews

Grouper - Dragging a Dead Deer Up a Hill

its like wandering around in the middle of night to get chips from a local gas station but you’re a bit loopy off of sleep deprivation and a Little bit traumatized

Alvvays - Blue Rev

new Alvvays concept album where they have a really good jangle/indie pop song and then they just do that over and over again

Slowdive - Souvlaki

this is like loveless but if the people who made it didn’t have 2 million dollars

Ryoji Ikeda - Dataplex

this is like ASMR for masochistic fax machines

The Gerogerigege - 燃えない灰 (Moenai Hai):

the first time i listened to this album i was biking and i fell and really scraped up my knee which on one hand kind of feels on topic for the album but that happened during the part where it was basically completely silent so actually maybe not

Pita - Get Out

every track on here sounds like some asshole dicking around in fl studio for like two minutes except for the third track which half sounds like that and half sounds like the pure manifestation of blood curdling testosterone fueled rage

Lil B - Gods Father:

definitely pretty front loaded but that being said its like if the hip hop bob ross made WLR but he made it the way that WLR was actually supposed to be

Yun Head - Oat:

quadeca is to mid-air thief what yun head is to flying lotus

Emmett’s Reviews

MF DOOM - MM…FOOD

Some fat guy in a gladiator mask talks about how much he likes food for an hour.

Tyler The Creator - Wolf

Tyler goes to summer camp and learns how to love.

System of a Down - Toxicity

Random gibberish interrupted by the most politically charged statement you’ve ever heard.

Mac Miller - The Divine Feminine

ooo I love my wifeee i love my wife agh

Pusha T - Daytona

grrr *cocaine noises*... holy shit did he just diss drake?

Denzel Curry & Kenny Beats - UNLOCKED

Denzel rapping his ass off over the craziest drum beats you’ll ever hear in your life.

Elijah’s Reviews

Carly Rae Jepsen - Emotion

What if Call Me Maybe was somehow way better and also like 15 songs?

Origami Angel - Somewhere City

What’s not to love, twinkly guitar licks, great singing, and emo lyrics that make you smile somehow instead of cry!

Hop Along - Bark Your Head Off, Dog

Amazing indie rock where you don’t quite understand what the words mean but you feel them all the same.

Jeff Rosenstock - NO DREAM

Sometimes I’m too tired to be mad at the world so I sure am glad this album has all of its tons of energy dedicated to doing just that.

Casey’s Reviews

Hop Along - Get Disowned

The rasp in Frances Quinlan’s voice holds you at gun-point and forces you to feel every feeling in the spectrum of human emotion to the sound of twangy indie rock

Car Seat Headrest - Twin Fantasy

Will Toledo howls his totally not personal tale of the failing relationship between two gay teenagers who may or may not be furries

clipping. - midcity

Best album to put on if you want all your friends to a) develop tinnitus b) hate you c) never let you touch the aux again [I speak from personal experience]

Jordaan Mason and the Horse Museum – Divorce Lawyers I Shaved My Head

if In The Aeroplane Over The Sea was for gay people and instead of being about Anne Frank it was about hating your genitalia

Crywank – Fist Me Till Your Hand Comes Out My Mouth (or) Egg On Face. Foot In Mouth. Wriggling Wriggling Wriggling

great albums that you will never ever convince anyone to listen to thanks to the band and album names alone

Mount Eerie – A Crow Looked At Me

World’s HARDEST Try Not To Cry (Level: Impossible - NOT CLICKBAIT)

AJJ – Good Luck Everybody

Holy shit the world is falling apart I wish we could kill all politicians via guillotine will anything ever get better *acoustic guitar strum*

Liz Phair – Exile in Guyville

Fuck men (in every possible sense)

The Mountain Goats – Tallahassee

tfw you hate both your partner and yourself so much that you decide to live in Tallahassee, Florida

Xiu Xiu – Plays the Music of Twin Peaks

What if the soundtrack of Twin Peaks made you want to gouge your eyes out sometimes but like in a cool way?

Run the Jewels – Meow the Jewels

Two rappers say lol guys wouldn’t it be funny if we remade our most recent album with only cat noises and cat puns

Saintseneca – Pillar of Na

hey what if this wheel never stopped turning and this cycle remained unbroken for eternity hey wouldn’t that just *holding in tears* wouldn’t that just be . so cool

Dexys Midnight Runners – Searching For The Young Soul Rebels

wait… why is the Come On Eileen one-hit-wonder band kind of churning out banger after banger

Nolan’s Reviews

Ari Lennox - age/sex/location

After all these years, Omegle is finally being held accountable for its crimes.

Carly Rae Jepsen - The Loneliest Time

The real pop princess is here to cleanse your ears.

Joyce Wrice - Motive

Have you ever wanted to feel like a piece of butter melting on some chocolate chip pancakes?

Kali Uchis - Sin Miedo (del Amor y Otros Demonios) ∞

I have no idea what she’s saying but I am living.

Megan Thee Stallion - Traumazine

Bad bitches have bad days too.

Steve Lacy - Gemini Rights

If y’all like him so much, then learn the lyrics to his songs so your disposable camera doesn’t get smashed.

The Carters - EVERYTHING IS LOVE

Ask not what you can do for infidelity, but what infidelity can do for you.

Yuna - Rouge

Imagine drunkenly applying the reddest lipstick before taking a sip of a drink containing edible glitter.

Terry’s Reviews

Radiohead - OK Computer

You like this album already.

Mid-Air Thief - Crumbling

This album is a 1:1 scale model of microdosing acid then sleepwalking out onto the wing of a biplane while someone on the ground whispers up to you how much you mean to them and how they would hate to see you get hurt and it’s warm.

James Blake - Friends That Break Your Heart

🥺 Who hurt him?

Nov 4 One-Sentence Album Reviews